Time Management and More Decisions

Becoming a mother was the best thing that happened in my life. I love my son more than anything in the world. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because I am single and raising my child on my own. My house is a disaster but I sit and watch TV and surf the net when I have free time. I look around my house and stress out but sometimes I just don't care. Toys are everywhere and dishes are piled up during the week. I could stay up until midnight cleaning but I guess I enjoy having time to relax. If you are a friend of mine, this is why I haven't invited anyone over to my place in a long time. I am actually considering hiring a maid service to help me out. I just don't know who is good and who I can trust.

Although I feel overwhelmed at times, I am still deciding if I will have another baby. When I was growing up,  I always thought I would get married and have 2 kids. I always thought 2 would be good. I see mothers with their kids and I have the desire to have another one but I'm scared. I have a lot of love to share and that would not be a problem. I just need to be sure I have the energy to have 2 kids on my own.

My mom helped me out a lot after Nicholas was born. She slept over at my house for about 3 weeks. I stayed home until Nicholas was 4 months old. My mom watched him until he was a year old. I was very blessed to have her babysit that first year. It was hard going back to work and leaving my son, but I felt very at ease knowing he was with her. My niece Kamaile also helped me out a lot. She slept over and helped me so I could get some sleep. She would even wake up and feed Nicholas at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Last year my mom got very sick and was in the hospital. She has a kidney disease called IgA nephropathy. Her kidney function decreased after she was hospitalized with sepsis. She will have to have dialysis soon. It's been hard for my mom. If I have another child I will not have her like I did with Nicholas. It would be too much for her to help me out with a baby. I hope she will eventually agree to  having a kidney transplant. I'm not sure why she just wants dialysis but not a transplant. I need to find out. It makes me sad to think about what my mom will have to go through now.

Today I drove to Disneyland and was going to park in Downtown Disney but the parking lot was full and very crazy. Its so much easier parking there rather than the parking structure and taking the tram. I asked Nicholas earlier if he wanted to go to Disneyland and he said "first the park and then Disneyland." I have a Disneyland pass and Nicholas is free until age 3.  So after we drove around the parking lot I asked Nicholas if he wanted to go to the park instead and he happily said yes.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not a good enough mom. I hope I am and I hope Nicholas thinks so.

My Birth Story

My parents, brother in law and sister took me to the hospital when I was having Braxton Hicks contractions and was not in true labor. This happened 2 or 3 times. It's hard to remember now.

This time, I knew it was true labor. I was very excited but in a lot of pain. We got to the hospital and thank goodness I got my epidural quickly. I don't know how women do it without one. Once I got my epidural it was make up time. Yes, I applied my make up. 

Not much happened after that. I was in labor for a total of 17 hours. I pushed for almost 3 hours. My epidural wasn't working anymore when I was pushing. Of course when I really needed it it didn't work. By coincedence we found out my anesthesiologist was also from Hawaii. My mom was trying to make conversation with him but totally embarrassing me. 

My mom and sister were with me the whole time. They were amazing. I used to be a postpartum nurse but I don't remember family getting as involved as they were. I used to do what's called "catching babies" and would be in the delivery room and take care of the baby, etc. 

 My nurse put them to work. She didn't know I was a RN and I really didn't want anyone to know. I wanted everything to be explained to me like I was a regular patient. The nurse said I needed to push like I needed to have a BM. The funniest moment of my birth was when my mom looked at me while I was having a contraction and said really loud "MICHELLE, PUSH LIKE YOU NEED TO GO DOO DOO!"  I couldn't believe it . I just wanted to die. I was soooooo mad because they were laughing and I was in pain. Then my sister kept talking to me saying I was doing good and I told her to stop talking! 

Finally after I thought I was going to die, Nicholas was born. It was the greatest day of my life. I got to hold him and see that he looked like me. He looked like a cone-head but after a few days his head looked normal. It may sound weird but I think of him as the love of my life.
This is us right after he was born.

This is Nicholas's hospital picture the day we were discharged. 

Catching Up

I feel like I need to make up for the 3 year time gap now that I'm blogging again. I have many great memories to share. One of them is my baby shower.
My family and friends helped put together a great day in celebration of my baby. The food was amazing. My mom cooked her special dishes: Kalbi, Mochico Chicken, Macaroni Salad, Chinese noodles and more. My sister made her delicious Chinese Chicken Salad. My brother in law barbequed. My family set up the clubhouse the night before. They put a lot of effert into making my shower special.

One of my very best friends Ana, went totally out of her way to help. She hired an awesome DJ. I had no idea about him until the day before the shower. She also planned and provided all of the games and the prizes for the shower and the beautiful cake.
Family and friends came from as far as Las Vegas, Folsom, San Ramon, and Northridge to celebrate. I will always be thankful and cherish this memory.

Love

Nicholas was born in May 2011. I originally didn't want to continue with this blog because of privacy issues. But I changed my mind because I have been reading other single mothers by choice blogs. I enjoy reading their blogs and feel comforted by thoughts and feelings we share. I also love seeing pictures of the children growing up. I would like others to know my story too.
I look at my pregnancy photos and think WOW, I was really into myself. A friend reminded me that I had those pictures taken because I thought he would probably be my one and only child. And that I wanted good pictures to capture that very special moment in my life. I also think it was the only time it is acceptable in our society to be overweight. I have gained back all of my pregnancy weight and am hardly ever caught in a photo now.
This is Nicholas and I right before his first birthday.

Getting Closer

     I am 32 weeks gestation now. I feel like its taking forever. I can't wait to actually hold Nicholas in my arms. I have swollen ankles now and have gotten huge! I am counting down the weeks until I get to go on maternity leave.

     In the recent weeks, I've experienced many emotions. I have noticed and felt the love and excitement from my friends and family who understand how much I want a baby. And then I have felt the coldness from friends who may not truely support me or have drifted away. It is a time when I'm finding out who my real  friends are.

     I go for non stress testing 2
times a week now. I have a history of high blood pressure and take medicine for it. I also have an abnormal placenta. And since I am 38,  I'm considered advanced maternal age for pregnancy. My after visit summaries state "Elderly Primigravida". That sounds hilarious.

     So far my pregnancy has gone well. Never had morning sickness. Just tired but that is expected.

     Yesterday a patient reached out to me and touched my stomach. She was probably in 70's. She said its so nice to feel your tummy. She said "It's so beautiful. I wanted a baby for so long but could never have one." I really felt for her and know she must have gone thru a lot.

     This is the happiest time in my whole life. I never realized until now, how awesome woman are. I feel my baby Nicholas moving around inside of me. Life is amazing.


 

My Decision To Have Artificial Insemination

     A couple years ago, the thought crossed my mind to have artificial insemination. I was 36 years old, single, and had no children. I was still doing the online dating thing, but not successful in finding "Mr. Right".
     I was 28 years old when I graduated from nursing school. I became a Mother/Baby OB/GYN nurse. I enjoyed taking care of the babies. I worked in the hospital as a Mommy Baby nurse for about 6 years. I wondered, "when will that ever be me, when will I be the one having the happy family and baby". I know that sounds bad but it is really how I felt. It was hard to see my dream played out in my job and never have that dream come true in my own life. I left the hospital and went to work in the clinic. It was easier  for me not to see the babies and happy families everyday.
     I realized last year that in December of 2010, I would be 38 years old. My mom told me that since she would be retiring in 2011, she would watch my baby if I decided to have artificial insemination. I decided that I was getting older and needed to make a decision soon. I did not want to be in my 40's and have difficulty getting pregnant. In March of 2010 I decided that I would have artificial insemination. I still did not have a special man in my life.
     I had to follow a very strict plan to become pregnant. I had to have ultrasounds, blood tests, and used progesterone suppositories. I injected myself in my abdomen with a medication called Repronex. Repronex stimulates your ovaries to produce eggs in each ovary. I taught my friend Scott how to give me the injections. It was easier when he helped me because those things hurt. Then I went through more ultrasounds and blood tests. I taught my sister Angie how to give me the Intramuscular injection of HCG which stimulated ovulation. My ultrasound showed I had 2 follicles in my right ovary.
     On August 20, 2010 I had the IUI procedure.  I had to wait for 16 days to test my urine to see if I was pregnant. It was hard waiting. If I tested it too soon, it would be a false positive because of the HCG injection. HCG shows up in your urine when you are pregnant. But it also stimulates your ovaries for ovulation. On day 13 I couldn't wait, I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. Then I did one again the next day and the next day. They were all positive. I was one of the lucky few who got pregnant on the first try.
     I am 25 weeks along now. I bought my first townhouse in November. It is very close to my parents. I would not be able to do this without my Moms commitment to be my babysitter. I am very happy and excited. I wanted a boy and my amniocentisis showed it is a boy for sure. I have such wonderful support from my family and friends. Nicholas should be born on May 14, 2011.
     What I am doing is not that common. There are a bunch of movies out now about women who chose to have artificial insemination and gay couples who chose it too. I guess it has become more accepted now and reminds of the the TV show "Modern Family". I am soooo excited to have my own Modern Family.