Time Management and More Decisions

Becoming a mother was the best thing that happened in my life. I love my son more than anything in the world. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because I am single and raising my child on my own. My house is a disaster but I sit and watch TV and surf the net when I have free time. I look around my house and stress out but sometimes I just don't care. Toys are everywhere and dishes are piled up during the week. I could stay up until midnight cleaning but I guess I enjoy having time to relax. If you are a friend of mine, this is why I haven't invited anyone over to my place in a long time. I am actually considering hiring a maid service to help me out. I just don't know who is good and who I can trust.

Although I feel overwhelmed at times, I am still deciding if I will have another baby. When I was growing up,  I always thought I would get married and have 2 kids. I always thought 2 would be good. I see mothers with their kids and I have the desire to have another one but I'm scared. I have a lot of love to share and that would not be a problem. I just need to be sure I have the energy to have 2 kids on my own.

My mom helped me out a lot after Nicholas was born. She slept over at my house for about 3 weeks. I stayed home until Nicholas was 4 months old. My mom watched him until he was a year old. I was very blessed to have her babysit that first year. It was hard going back to work and leaving my son, but I felt very at ease knowing he was with her. My niece Kamaile also helped me out a lot. She slept over and helped me so I could get some sleep. She would even wake up and feed Nicholas at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Last year my mom got very sick and was in the hospital. She has a kidney disease called IgA nephropathy. Her kidney function decreased after she was hospitalized with sepsis. She will have to have dialysis soon. It's been hard for my mom. If I have another child I will not have her like I did with Nicholas. It would be too much for her to help me out with a baby. I hope she will eventually agree to  having a kidney transplant. I'm not sure why she just wants dialysis but not a transplant. I need to find out. It makes me sad to think about what my mom will have to go through now.

Today I drove to Disneyland and was going to park in Downtown Disney but the parking lot was full and very crazy. Its so much easier parking there rather than the parking structure and taking the tram. I asked Nicholas earlier if he wanted to go to Disneyland and he said "first the park and then Disneyland." I have a Disneyland pass and Nicholas is free until age 3.  So after we drove around the parking lot I asked Nicholas if he wanted to go to the park instead and he happily said yes.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not a good enough mom. I hope I am and I hope Nicholas thinks so.

My Birth Story

My parents, brother in law and sister took me to the hospital when I was having Braxton Hicks contractions and was not in true labor. This happened 2 or 3 times. It's hard to remember now.

This time, I knew it was true labor. I was very excited but in a lot of pain. We got to the hospital and thank goodness I got my epidural quickly. I don't know how women do it without one. Once I got my epidural it was make up time. Yes, I applied my make up. 

Not much happened after that. I was in labor for a total of 17 hours. I pushed for almost 3 hours. My epidural wasn't working anymore when I was pushing. Of course when I really needed it it didn't work. By coincedence we found out my anesthesiologist was also from Hawaii. My mom was trying to make conversation with him but totally embarrassing me. 

My mom and sister were with me the whole time. They were amazing. I used to be a postpartum nurse but I don't remember family getting as involved as they were. I used to do what's called "catching babies" and would be in the delivery room and take care of the baby, etc. 

 My nurse put them to work. She didn't know I was a RN and I really didn't want anyone to know. I wanted everything to be explained to me like I was a regular patient. The nurse said I needed to push like I needed to have a BM. The funniest moment of my birth was when my mom looked at me while I was having a contraction and said really loud "MICHELLE, PUSH LIKE YOU NEED TO GO DOO DOO!"  I couldn't believe it . I just wanted to die. I was soooooo mad because they were laughing and I was in pain. Then my sister kept talking to me saying I was doing good and I told her to stop talking! 

Finally after I thought I was going to die, Nicholas was born. It was the greatest day of my life. I got to hold him and see that he looked like me. He looked like a cone-head but after a few days his head looked normal. It may sound weird but I think of him as the love of my life.
This is us right after he was born.

This is Nicholas's hospital picture the day we were discharged. 

Catching Up

I feel like I need to make up for the 3 year time gap now that I'm blogging again. I have many great memories to share. One of them is my baby shower.
My family and friends helped put together a great day in celebration of my baby. The food was amazing. My mom cooked her special dishes: Kalbi, Mochico Chicken, Macaroni Salad, Chinese noodles and more. My sister made her delicious Chinese Chicken Salad. My brother in law barbequed. My family set up the clubhouse the night before. They put a lot of effert into making my shower special.

One of my very best friends Ana, went totally out of her way to help. She hired an awesome DJ. I had no idea about him until the day before the shower. She also planned and provided all of the games and the prizes for the shower and the beautiful cake.
Family and friends came from as far as Las Vegas, Folsom, San Ramon, and Northridge to celebrate. I will always be thankful and cherish this memory.

Love

Nicholas was born in May 2011. I originally didn't want to continue with this blog because of privacy issues. But I changed my mind because I have been reading other single mothers by choice blogs. I enjoy reading their blogs and feel comforted by thoughts and feelings we share. I also love seeing pictures of the children growing up. I would like others to know my story too.
I look at my pregnancy photos and think WOW, I was really into myself. A friend reminded me that I had those pictures taken because I thought he would probably be my one and only child. And that I wanted good pictures to capture that very special moment in my life. I also think it was the only time it is acceptable in our society to be overweight. I have gained back all of my pregnancy weight and am hardly ever caught in a photo now.
This is Nicholas and I right before his first birthday.