Time Management and More Decisions

Becoming a mother was the best thing that happened in my life. I love my son more than anything in the world. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because I am single and raising my child on my own. My house is a disaster but I sit and watch TV and surf the net when I have free time. I look around my house and stress out but sometimes I just don't care. Toys are everywhere and dishes are piled up during the week. I could stay up until midnight cleaning but I guess I enjoy having time to relax. If you are a friend of mine, this is why I haven't invited anyone over to my place in a long time. I am actually considering hiring a maid service to help me out. I just don't know who is good and who I can trust.

Although I feel overwhelmed at times, I am still deciding if I will have another baby. When I was growing up,  I always thought I would get married and have 2 kids. I always thought 2 would be good. I see mothers with their kids and I have the desire to have another one but I'm scared. I have a lot of love to share and that would not be a problem. I just need to be sure I have the energy to have 2 kids on my own.

My mom helped me out a lot after Nicholas was born. She slept over at my house for about 3 weeks. I stayed home until Nicholas was 4 months old. My mom watched him until he was a year old. I was very blessed to have her babysit that first year. It was hard going back to work and leaving my son, but I felt very at ease knowing he was with her. My niece Kamaile also helped me out a lot. She slept over and helped me so I could get some sleep. She would even wake up and feed Nicholas at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Last year my mom got very sick and was in the hospital. She has a kidney disease called IgA nephropathy. Her kidney function decreased after she was hospitalized with sepsis. She will have to have dialysis soon. It's been hard for my mom. If I have another child I will not have her like I did with Nicholas. It would be too much for her to help me out with a baby. I hope she will eventually agree to  having a kidney transplant. I'm not sure why she just wants dialysis but not a transplant. I need to find out. It makes me sad to think about what my mom will have to go through now.

Today I drove to Disneyland and was going to park in Downtown Disney but the parking lot was full and very crazy. Its so much easier parking there rather than the parking structure and taking the tram. I asked Nicholas earlier if he wanted to go to Disneyland and he said "first the park and then Disneyland." I have a Disneyland pass and Nicholas is free until age 3.  So after we drove around the parking lot I asked Nicholas if he wanted to go to the park instead and he happily said yes.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not a good enough mom. I hope I am and I hope Nicholas thinks so.